Tony: We're not so sure it was an accident, Abs.
McGee: Not sure, meaning what?
Ziva: We think whoever set up the crime scene might be after Abby.
Abby: [chuckles] Me? Who'd want to kill *me*? I mean, Tony I understand, but...
Jenny: So this was an accident?
Gibbs: Abby, doesn't have accidents!
Jenny: Well Abby also doesn't have enemies. I mean it's not like we're talking about Agent DiNozzo.
Tony: Hey!... Ma'am.
Ziva: Well, you know what they say. You cannot make an omelet without breaking a few legs
Tony: She's never making me breakfast.
McGee: Uh, Ziva, it's 'without breaking a few eggs.'
Abby: I am the Energizer bunny of forensic science: I never sleep and I never...
Tony: He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he.
Tony: What are you McDoing, McGee?
McGee: Working on Kales phone records.
Tony: Thought you already McDid-That?
Gibbs: You think, DiNozzo?
McGee: Are you finished?
Tony: No, I haven't even started yet.
Kate: You think he knows more than he's telling us?
Tony: C'mon, Kate, this is Gibbs we're talking about. Of
Gibbs: Abs, do you have him?
Abby: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?
Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.
Kate: Do people react that way because we're NCIS, or do you just have that effect on them?
Gibbs: I'd like to think it's me
(Kate and Tony are undercover at a sperm bank)
Kate: You writin' my name right?
Tony: What! I just wanna know if it's mine. (to receptionist) She kinda sleeps around a lot if you know what I mean.
Kate If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.
Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.
Kate: You slept with my sista!
Tony: I thought it was you!
Kate: She weighs 300 lbs.
Tony: She was wearing your earrings!!
Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him, please, I'm beggin' you.
Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right.
Kate: Thank you. (throws gum at Tony as she leaves)
Tony: I'm sorry, she slept with my brother ... and my best friend ... at the same time.
2x05 "The Bone Yard"
Kate: (from the shower) Tony! Out of here. Now!
Tony: What? I'm just brushing my teeth. Oh, hey, don't use up the hot water 'cause you've been in there forever.
Kate: Tony, how long have you been in here?
Tony: Long enough to know you can't sing... and haven't shaved your legs in a week.
2x06 "Terminal Leave"
Ducky: (to a body that's been blown up) I do apologize; usually one scraping is sufficient. But you my friend are oh, so crispy.
3x16 "Family Secret"
You two finished playing grabassey or do I need to transfer McGee to a weather station in Antarctica?
[Jimmy pulls up to a suspect's home after being told to stay at NCIS]
Gibbs: What are you doing here?
Jimmy : I thought I could help.
Gibbs: What part of stay don't you understand? Stay! You stay in the car!
[while Gibbs and the team are busy Jimmy notices the suspect about to escape and rams his car]
Gibbs: [after disarming the suspect] What the hell was that?
Jimmy: I did not get out of the car.
Tony: Come on, computers are your thing! If I had a thing I'd want to show it off.
Gibbs: There are rules against that, DiNozzo.
7x01 "Truth Or Consequences"
Jenny: Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as Director, I went in there and smacked that smile off her face?
Gibbs: [chuckles] Yeah, it would. But that's what you have me for.
Gibbs: Requisition replacement cell phones and weapons for my team. Go!
Gibbs: Well, no, Palmer. Crossbows, if you think they might work better.
Tony: Feel my head.
Tony: Just feel it.
Tim: don't want to. It's all sweaty.
Tony: Exactly. I got the frickin' fever. I'm burning up, man.
Tim: The ventilation's off, Tony. We're all burning up.
(Gibbs walks into the squad room)
Gibbs: Come on, grab your gear. Don't wanna miss the school bus.
Tony: Class trip, boss?
Gibbs: Got a dead petty officer in a high school stairwell. Janitor found him this morning.
Tony: Hmm. (Starts singing) Wheels on the bus go...
Gibbs: (Gibbs joins in) ...round and round, round and round, round and round...
Lt. Roy Sanders: Did they, um, did they find any clues or answers?
Ziva David: Not yet. But they're still looking.
Lt. Roy Sanders: Well tell them to hurry up. I wanna know who killed me before I die.
4x16 "Dead Man Walking"
Jimmy: It wasn't sand, sand...like good sand. It was bad sand. Very bad sand. It made me break out in red welts.
Ducky: It wasn't the sand Mr. Palmer, but the sand-mite.
Jimmy: The sand might what?
Ducky: The sand mite bit you.
Jimmy: Sand bites?
Ducky: Well sand-mites might bite.
Jimmy: I'm grammatically lost.
Tony: Davy Jones. Used to sing with The Monkees.
Ziva: Real monkeys?"
Tony: I envy your brain sometimes
Ziva: Oh, look at the pot calling the kettle black.I got that right didn't I?
(McGee gives her her tumbs up)
3x24 "Hiatus Part 2"
Ducky: And the moral of course is...
Gibbs: It's never a good idea to get married.
Ducky: No, it's best not to judge someone until all the facts are in.
Gibbs: I like mine better.
I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while. The internet has been out here for a while, but it is back now! I’m gonna queue a lot, so hopefully it won’t happen again.
Ari: Same way I came in?
Kate: I don't know how you came in.
Ari: In a body bag.
Kate: Same way you're going out!
DiNozzo: “I hate libraries.”
McGee: “Another one of your fears?”
DiNozzo: “Don’t mock me.”
9x09 "Engaged Part 2"
Abby: “Gibbs Gibbs Gibbs Gibbs Gibbs.”
Gibbs: “Abs… right here.”
Gibbs: “We got three killers to find. You get Dinozzo and McGee caught up. Then stock up. It’s gonna’ be a long night.” (A dark car pulls up.) Officer Hadar, you almost made me spill my coffee.”
Hadar: “Americans. You can never just say hello.”
Gibbs: “How about shalom...hello and goodbye.”
Hadar: “And peace, Agent Gibbs.”
Gibbs: (turns) “Not a lot of that when you’re around.”
8x8 Enemies Foreign
Abby: [Holds shot glass out to Gibbs] What does this smell like?
Abby: Good. [Takes shot]
7x8 "Power Down"
Gibbs: Who found the body?
LEO: A couple of kids in one of our warming huts, or as they like to call them--
Tony: Love shacks.
LEO: Yeah, how'd you know?
Tony: Lucky guess.
LEO: (sarcastically) Mmmh Mmmmh.
6x14 "Love and War"
Tony: We gotta find out what he was doing up here.
Ziva: And with whom he was doing it.
Tony: Doing what?
Ziva: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.
Tony: Done? What?
Ducky: In. My dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?
Tony: Not this queen.
5x17 "About Face"
Gibbs: Ziva, you and Tony...
Ziva: Run down a list of the Major's deliveries starting with the most recent.
Gibbs: And find out...
Tony: If any of them were BZ gas. On it boss.
Mann: Do they always finish your sentences for you?
Gibbs: I teach them to anticipate.
Mann: Well, they do it well. You must be a good teacher.
Gibbs: Well, thank you, thank you very much.
4x13 "Sharif Returns"
Abby: I found calcium, which is present in human bones, but no phosphorus.
Gibbs: Which means?
Abby: There really is no foreplay with you, is there, Gibbs?
Gibbs: What, you been talking to my ex-wives again?
3x16 "Family Secret"
McGee: People are staring at me.
Tony: Of course. You're hideously disfigured Probie. If you had listened to me, you wouldn't be in this mess.
McGee: If I had listened to you, Gibbs would have fired me 6 months ago.
(Tony raises hand, then stops)
McGee: You were gonna smack me, but you stopped.
Tony: I remember what it was like being the new guy. Never fitting in. Besides... there's the obvious..
McGee: You like me?
Tony: No. It would be like touching a leper.
2x15 "Caught On Tape"
Ducky: Well, if you don’t work with him, then how… Ah!
Kate: Did you think I was a virgin?
Ducky: I’d hoped not.
1x1 "Yankee White"
McGee: Tony. You’re not going bald.
DiNozzo: Says the man with the merging androgen etic alopecia
9x07 "The Devil's Triangle"
(Gibbs walks in on Tony and McGee with the blow-up doll)
Tony: Morning, Boss!
McGee: This isn't what it looks like, Boss.
Gibbs: Well, what is it, Tim?
McGee: Erm...a joke...I think. A really bad, practical joke.
Gibbs: I'm not laughing. (Gibbs turns and heads for his desk) Lose your gal-pal. (To everyone) Grab your gear. Got a dead Marine in Springfield.
(McGee tries effortlessly to hide the blow-up doll as the rest of the team head for the elevator)
Borin: You can call me Abby.
Gibbs: No, that's not going to happen.
McGee: Where are we going, Boss?
Gibbs: To talk to Petty Officer Lambert’s shipmates.
McGee: He’s not on a ship, Boss. Oh, sorry. You were using a military euphemism.
Gibbs: You think?
McGee: So you mean Bethesda Hospital Computer Center.
Gibbs: You speak their language.
McGee: You mean I’m going to interview them?
Gibbs: I interview, you translate. Come on!
(Gibbs is visiting Abby's stalker ex-boyfriend)
Gibbs: The only reason you're still able to walk is because I never heard about you until today.
Officer Hadar: Agent DiNozzo, please, ride with me. I insist. It will allow us a chance to get to know one another.
Gibbs: I am gonna see him again, right, Leon?
Ziva: Officer Hadar will not harm him. Only two people have the authority to do that.
Vance: Your father's one. Second?
Tony: Have you ever been in a men's room before?
Kate: No. Have you?
1x17 "The Truth is Out There"
Gibbs: DiNozzo, you were following orders. I'd have done the same thing.
Tony: You would have lied to Mike Franks?
Abby: Oh, Leon. (sees at Vance’s expression, looks chagrined) Too soon for the Leon?
McGee: Hey, you know what this reminds me of? Pacci’s suspect that we were staking out last year.
Kate: That’s right! The beautiful pre-op transsexual who seduced Tony.
Tony: She didn’t seduce me. I was undercover.
Kate: Yeah, well didn’t you stick your tongue down…
Tony: I took one for the team, all right? Someone had to keep her occupied.
McGee: Don’t you mean him?
2x17 "An Eye For An Eye"
Mann: Funny us running into each other like that.
Mann: You have a better word?
Gibbs: A few come to mind.
4x13 "Sharif Returns"
Abby: (in sign language) Tony's weird.
Gibbs: Oh, you're just figuring that out now?
1x5 "The Curse"